


What to do with love

by ItsJina



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18 Coda, Episode: s03e18 Coda, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, M/M, Malec Angst, POV Magnus Bane, malec coda, this follow right after alec leaves and magnus is by himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 01:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18488917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsJina/pseuds/ItsJina
Summary: 3.18 coda from Magnus's POV-------Camille once said to him, “The fear of loneliness has always been your Achilles’ heel. You don’t do well losing those you love, do you?”





	What to do with love

**Author's Note:**

> Next week, we will get to see Magnus deal with everything, but for now, I really needed to write this and think about Magnus & his feelings. :(

Camille once said to him, “The fear of loneliness has always been your Achilles’ heel. You don’t do well losing those you love, do you?”

Her words came to him after Alec left and the universe felt unusually cruel tonight. Not only had he lost everything, now, he had lost Alec. His rock. The one person that gave Magnus reason to be happy despite his horrible situation. Having Alec by his side had helped subsided the pain and grief over his magic. It had made life easier to bear, but now, there was such a gaping hole inside Magnus’s chest.

He stood frozen for at least another five minutes before he forced his legs to move, forced his arms to finish decorating for Maryse. A sob threatened to crawl out of his mouth and he gasped, breathing shakily, remembering Maryse’s kind words.

_“Magnus, it’s not a burden. In time of crisis, the people we love want to help…we are all here for you, Magnus. You’re part of the family.”_

Her gentle touch on his shoulder and her genuine concern reminded Magnus of the thing he knew he always desired: family. It was all he ever wanted since the day of his mother’s suicide, the death of his step-father, since finding out Asmodeus’s true wicked self. He had no family and could not have children, so he friended many fellow warlocks and became a surrogate father for downworlders, took on those who needed someone–like Raphael–and they became his children.

And now, he wasn’t even a downworlder anymore. He was a mundane. His connection to them–severed.

And the love of his life had walked out, unable to deal with him.

Magnus chuckled, quiet at first, before it became louder and morphed into a full blown laugh. He laughed, falling down onto the ground, leaning against a wall, and laughed until he was breathless. Tears streamed down his face.

He was truly alone.

And he was thinking about Camille’s words again because she was the last person to hurt him like this, to hold his heart and crush it completely. Camille, at least, Magnus knew of her nature and, in hindsight, saw it coming.

Alec was a different story. Alec, a nephilim who loved fiercely, who trusted him inherently, who made Magnus believed in deep, profound, perhaps even true love. Alec, who surprised him over and over again with his strength and overflowing feelings, his declarations of love, of complete faith and trust of Magnus. It was Alec who looked at him unflinchingly while Magnus revealed his ugly past. It was Alec who allowed him to be vulnerable.

Camille’s smirk played in Magnus’s mind: “You wouldn’t know what to do with love if you found it.”

He stared at the candlelights, their light soft all around the room.

Camille was wrong. He had tried his best for this love. He knew relationships took effort.

When Alec said those hurtful words– _“days ago, I didn’t know the spark inside of you, the one I loved, was out for good”_ –Magnus still reached out for him, seeking reconciliation, seeking Alec’s humor and smile, seeking Alec’s beautiful eyes. He had tried so hard, rambling out his fears and ultimately prayed for Alec to stay. “Stay with me.”

But Alec wouldn’t even look at him and he still walked out. Love blew up in his face.

Magnus can’t bring himself to look at the door.

Family.

Alec.

The pain doubled, if possible, as Magnus struggled to breathe and tears continued to fall, mourning what could’ve been with Alec.

_“You don’t do well losing those you love, do you?”_

Magnus thought he was used to this feeling–being immortal and losing loved ones to old age or war or something tragic–but now he was mortal and loved ones were walking out of his life still. The problem wasn’t his immortality and outliving them; it was him. Alec left him because Alec couldn’t deal with him.

Magnus was losing breath. His head was swirling. His chest was collapsing because he can’t breathe.  At this rate, he would truly die.

He needed to get out of here away from this place, away from New York, but he couldn’t bear to head back to the Institute to get his things or grab his passport. He needed to leave immediately.

Quickly, he rose up, staggering toward the door, barely remembering to lock it up. His hands shook, the keys jangling.

He would ask Catarina to send him off and also return the keys to Maryse.

And later, when Catarina asks if he’s okay, he will do what he always do: deflect and smile, because Catarina shouldn’t have to deal with his baggage. And when she opens a portal for him with a concerned face, he will make a joke and promise he’s fine, everything’s fine.

And after grief remains while he walks around cities, memories of Alec surfacing everywhere he goes, he will call on brother Zachariah. He will realize he is wrong for thinking he could survive heartbreak. He may have survived before, but this–this is agonizing, unbearable pain and he will die, will break permanently this time if he doesn’t do something about it.

He will call brother Zachariah and tell him to erase all his memories of Alec, everything they’ve been through, and he will return to who he was before he met Alec: a man with his heart closed forever.


End file.
